


We're Keeping It Together

by EchoResonance



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Laven Week, M/M, laven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 21:34:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4538214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EchoResonance/pseuds/EchoResonance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nobody at the Order is "fine."  They're all hurt, broken, and scarred, but they have each other to help glue pieces back together when they break. Not even Bookman Junior can keep himself separate from that simple truth. <br/>(Laven Week Day 3: Shattered)</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're Keeping It Together

We’re all broken. We’re a group of rag-tag dolls that have been stitched, glued, and welded back together time and time again so that we can go out and get broken once more. The reparations are never neat, they’re never seamless, and they’re sure as hell never pretty, but that’s the price we pay. We have different ways of coping, of pretending we’re fine and good as new, all shiny and functional, but those are only useful against the people that haven’t seen us break ourselves. Civilians, the handful of science department people that managed to not get involved with the wounded, but on each other? Nothing could fool us. All of our attempts at playing our scars off were transparent as glass, and quite as fragile, but still we try.

I would say that Kanda tries the hardest, but that’s not really true. He certainly avoids people the most, avoids any sort of interaction with all his might, but he’s never tried to convince anybody that he’s fine. He just scares them away before they can ask.

Lenalee doesn’t try to convince everyone else of how perfectly fine she is, either, but she tries to be positive in the hopes that it will help her to be fine one day. If I ask, I have no doubt she’ll tell me what’s wrong, but I know it’s something she doesn’t really want to share, so I leave her alone. It’s the same among all of us, for the most part--excluding Kanda, obviously. We don’t really have anything to hide, but there are just things we don’t feel like sharing, things we don’t want to remember or relive. There’s not much point in keeping up the facade around everyone that feels the same way. It’s just a waste of energy.

But Lavi...he’s an exception. I still don’t really understand what it means to be a Bookman, but I know that whatever it entails, sometimes it hurts Lavi. It’s in his deepest thoughts, his most secret fears, and Road had used whatever it is against him to set him on me with every intention of killing me. He seemed alright after I pulled him out of it, but I know that sometimes he still thinks about it, that thing that he never shares, that thing that’s so far buried in his mind that Road could twist him into killing his own friend.

He’s one of the people that, if I ask, he’ll respond with that broad grin and tease me for worrying too much. Truly, he is convincing, but I know better than to think he’s not hurting too, and that fight had only made whatever it was worse. On the other hand, since that disaster, Lavi has been even more free with his words and his emotions, a feat I never thought possible. Far from reassuring me of his condition, though, that’s just made me more anxious. No one smiles wider than when they’re hurting the most. I’m intimately familiar with that fact.

Will he welcome my concern, or just brush me off? It really is late for me to be having second-thoughts, seeing as I’m already standing outside his door, but I haven’t knocked yet, so I have a chance to turn around and walk away. Maybe I should. I have a weird feeling that Bookman doesn’t like me all that much, though I’m not really sure why that bothers me at this point; everybody seems to hate me now, and I can’t really blame them. Nobody wants a possible Noah at HQ. Still, I’ve had that feeling from Bookman even before I found out that I’m basically a ticking time bomb without an actual timer. If Bookman is the one that answers, he’ll probably just send me away. He’ll be polite about it, but he won’t give me a chance to explain either.

Sighing, I lower my hand and turn to leave. Honestly I don’t even know what I was planning to do after I got here. I don’t have any words of wisdom or comfort laid out, I’m really bad at that sort of thing usually. All I can do is speak from my own experiences, which isn’t generally the best way to ask somebody else if they’re doing alright. I’ll probably just be bothering him.

However, I don’t make it three steps before the door creaks open behind me and, yelling over his shoulder at the other occupant of the room, Lavi steps out, quickly shutting the door behind him before Bookman can follow him out. I look over my shoulder, startled, and Lavi catches my eyes, grinning.

“Hey Beansprout,” he greets, sauntering over my direction. I scowl.

“Don’t _call_ me that,” I grumble. I’ll never forgive Kanda for that damned nickname, and especially for letting Lavi know about it.

“Jeez, so serious,” he teases as he throws an arm around my shoulder.

He doesn’t have his jacket on, and his massive body heat burns right through the thin long-sleeve he’s wearing.

“What are you doing over here, Allen?” Lavi wonders. He glances briefly back at his own door. “Ya didn’t come all the way from your room just to say hi, did ya?”

“Ah--no, not really,” I confess, neck burning from more than just his arm.

“What’s up, man?” Lavi asks, probably picking up on my sudden embarrassment

“I, ah, wanted to ask how you were,” I say as off-handedly as possible. I don’t really want to let on how worried I am, that will probably just make whatever’s wrong worse.

Lavi blinks--well, I assume so, since winking when he only has one eye visible would be pointless--and then his grin widens.

“Aw, were you worried about me?” he teases. “That’s so _sweet_ , Allen, you’re so totally head over heels for m--oof!”

I straighten up as if I haven’t just jammed my elbow into Lavi’s ribs, brushing off my jacket and waiting for him to gather himself.

“You’re violent sometimes, ya know that?” Lavi chuckled weakly, massaging the offended area gingerly.

“You’re obnoxious sometimes,” I answer.

Lavi sighs and leans in a little bit to get a closer look at my face. Whatever he sees there apparently surprises him a little and he leans back again, eye wide.

“You actually were worried?” he says, and he has the nerve to sound surprised.

“Of course,” I say bluntly. “You probably had the worst time out of all of us in the Ark, but you’ve been skipping around like nothing’s changed. Like you’re pretending it didn’t even happen. Of course I’m worried.”

Lavi looks taken aback, as if out of all the things I might have told him, this was the very last that he would have anticipated. No, that’s not right. It wasn’t at the bottom of his list of expectations: it wasn’t even on the list. I’m not really sure how I feel about that. I don’t think that it’s a reflection of his thinking poorly of me, but far from putting me at ease, it just makes me wonder how little concern he has for himself.

Lavi smirks, but I’m not buying it. It’s as superficial as the smile I’ve been wearing every day since I found out I’m connected with the Noah Clan. I fold my arms stubbornly.

“You’re worrying about nothing, as usual,” he chuckles. One of his hands claps down on my shoulder. “I’m totally fine. Where’s your shadow, anyway?”

I narrow my eyes at his attempt at changing the subject.

“He’s sleeping,” I say simply. “So it doesn’t bother you at all that Road was messing around inside your head, or that she made you attack me? It doesn’t mean anything to you one way or the other that I have a connection to the Fourteenth? You’re not worried at all about Lenalee or her Innocence? Nothing about what happened on the Ark bugs you? Because I don’t believe that.”

He blinks, and takes a step back from me, his smile slipping a little. His gaze flickers away from mine.

“It’s fine,” he says unconvincingly. “Nothing...Nothing’s changed, really. Lenalee just needs some time to recover, and she’ll be as good as new. As for Road, I think I took care of her good and proper. You saw her disintegrate too, you know. I beat her, so what does it matter?”

“Lavi…” I sigh. “I know it’s not that easy. Being forced to hurt someone you care about isn’t something that leaves you unscathed. You know it’s okay to be scared, right? You should talk about it, though, don’t just ignore it and hope it goes away.”

“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, Allen,” Lavi says, stubbornly trying to hold that fake smile on his face. “What is there to worry about?”

I raise an eyebrow at him, and he laughs it off.

“Okay, maybe in our line of work that wasn’t the right phrasing,” he allowed. “But this stuff is working itself out. It just needs time and--”

“Time is just going to make some of this worse, Lavi!” I exclaim.

Immediately I want to pitch myself over the railing for my outburst, seeing the look of shock on my friend’s face, but… All I could think of was that stupid piano room. All the researchers talking about the Fourteenth. Everybody looking at me like the time bomb I am. The more time that passes, the more likely I am to snap. The more likely that whatever piece of me is linked with the Noahs will awaken. The more likely I am to no longer be me.

“I--sorry,” I mumble, turning to leave. Damnit. I came to see how Lavi is, and I end up exploding on him. I really am hopeless.

“Uh--it’s okay,” he says, catching my elbow. “But I think you’re wrong.”

I blink, looking over my shoulder at him but refusing to turn around.

“How?” I ask roughly. He shrugs.

“Dunno,” he answers. “Just a feeling, I guess. But my feelings are usually right on the money, after all.”

I chuckle weakly. How like him. But…

“Well they’re not this time,” I say heavily. “You can’t be right all the time, Lavi, and you know that as well as I do, or else you wouldn’t be trying so hard to pretend that everything’s alright.”

“Well, no, it’s not all sunshine and roses right now, but it will b--”

“I’m a Noah, Lavi,” I interrupt. “And everyone here is just waiting for it to show. The more time passes, the closer he is. It’s not getting better, and you _know_ it.”

“You’re _not_ a Noah,” Lavi says fiercely. “You’re Allen Walker. You’re a beansprout with a bad temper and a weird left arm. You’re an Exorcist. You’re also a total idiot. You’re not a Noah.”

I open my mouth, but he keeps going.

“Don’t kid yourself, you’re too damn stubborn to ever be anybody but Allen. I’m not worried about you turning into a Noah because it isn’t going to happen.”

“What are you gonna do when you’re wrong?”

“ _If_ I’m somehow wrong,” Lavi says, stressing the first word, “then I’ll just have to kiss you to snap you out of it, right?”

I stare at him. He smirks.

“You’re not gonna lose to whatever you think is hiding in your head, got it?” Lavi says firmly. “You’re still Allen, and you always will be. That’s all there is to it.”

“You...You actually believe yourself right now,” I say, incredulous. He grins.

“‘Course I do!” he replies. “I’m always right.”

There is no mistaking the conviction in his voice. Whatever’s eating at him, it isn’t me. It isn’t the risk of me going Noah. That...is a relief. But I didn’t come here to make myself feel better. His smile falls again when he senses the return of my more stern demeanor.

“There’s still something you’re not telling me,” I say. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because nobody here doesn’t have _something_ hurting them. You don’t have to say what, but at least acknowledge it. At least be honest if you’re not okay. We’re here for you.”

Lavi looks for a moment like he’s going to shut down, turn away, go back to his room. It seems to take him visible effort not to simply ignore what I’ve said.

“I don’t...I don’t need you guys to worry about me,” he says. “I’m fine, I can deal with my problems by myself.”

“But you don’t have to,” I interject.

“Yes, I do.”

“Lavi, why--”

“Allen, I don’t expect you to understand,” Lavi says, words beginning to tumble from him apparently as fast as they enter his head. “I’m the successor to Bookman, to the Bookman Clan, to all the hidden knowledge throughout history. I have to be unbiased and apart from everyone and everything so that I can take accurate records. That’s my duty as Bookman’s apprentice. Coming here was supposed to give us a unique perspective on the war, but I was never supposed to get involved.”

“Lavi,” I start, but he keeps going as if he doesn’t hear me. Maybe he doesn’t.

“Getting close to you guys was the biggest mistake I ever made,” he continues. “And I don’t regret a second of it, not really, but I’m already in too deep. I only need to support myself, I don’t need...I don’t want you guys to worry. I don’t want you guys to care. That makes it even harder. I’m fine. I’ve always done stuff on my own because I have to, and that’s still how it is. You saw, when Road got in my head. That was the real me; that was the Bookman. Bookmen don’t need hearts, they don’t have them. They--we don’t have comrades, we don’t rely on anybody else and we don’t care about anything but what we’re recording. I almost killed you because that’s what I had to d--”

He probably gets beat up enough between Bookman, Lenalee, and Kanda, but I don’t really think about that when I hit him in the jaw and send him to the floor. Before he quite realizes what happen, I straddle him, pinning him down so he has no choice but look at me. He doesn’t get to run away from this one, the little bastard.

“Allen, what the hell?” he exclaims, trying to buck me off of him. It’s not much of a challenge to keep a hold on his wrists; I’ve had to deal with worse.

“You know, Lenalee told me before that I was selfish,” I say coolly. “Always jumping in ahead of everybody else, thinking that I bear the whole burden of Akuma because my eye allows me to see their souls. She said I was a real jerk for not letting anyone help me, and for putting myself in even more danger by trying to protect the people that I should be trusting to fight alongside me.”

“Yeah, well, she was right,” Lavi says. “You’re also pretty oblivious when people don’t want your help, y’know?”

“I’m not oblivious, I just don’t care,” I say honestly. “You’re selfish too, Lavi. Trying to shoulder this huge burden alone, even though you have friends more than happy to share it with you.”

“Everyone here has their own problems to deal with,” Lavi grumbles. He sounds like a petulant child.

“And we deal with them together,” I say sharply. “We rely on each other and we ask others to rely on us. We’re all messed up here, we’re all broken, and we’re all trying to help stitch each other back together. You can pretend not to care all you want, but it won’t stop us from caring, so it’s better for all of us if you give up the stupid pretense of being fine and dandy when you’re just as broken as the rest of us.”

I’m not sure when, but at some point during my speech Lavi stopped struggling. He isn’t looking at me, and he’s biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed.

“I’m not your comrade,” he says shakily.

“Convince yourself of that first, because I’m not buying it,” I say simply. “I’m always going to consider you my friend and comrade, and so is everybody else. Just get over yourself already, because you lost whatever war you’ve been waging with yourself a long time ago. You can still be the next Bookman if you admit you care. You’ll just be the first one to have as big and loud a family as this one. Whether you want it or not.”

He doesn’t say anything, apparently preferring to look at the gray stone wall on his right as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. Whatever. I can wait. I’ve already made an ass of myself, so I don’t have anything else to lose.

“You know…” he says, finally breaking the silence. “You can be real scary sometimes.”

“You’ve mentioned that,” I acknowledge.

“Sometimes I wonder if you can actually see human souls too. You know where to hit people a little too well.”

“Cracks are easy to see through,” I shrug.

“Yeah, yeah,” he says quietly.

“Amazingly enough, feelings are a natural occurance,” I say off-handedly. “That’s pretty common knowledge. Would’ve thought the Bookman would know that. Well, I guess you _are_ just an apprentice, but still.”

“You’re a dick, too,” Lavi says with a weak chuckle.

“You’ve mentioned that before, too,” I smile. Lavi chuckles again.

“I’m a mess, huh?” he sighs. “Didn’t think I was _that_ obvious.”

“You weren’t,” I inform him. “But that’s why I was worried. It would’ve been less noticeable if you let on that something might be a little wrong. Don’t get me wrong, we all love how cheerful you are all the time, it’s great, but it’s a little odd when that’s all you are.”

Lavi’s lips twitched up.

“...Can you let me up now?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” I say, hastily scrambling off of him to sit on the floor. He pushes himself up, rubbing his wrists where I’ve been holding them.

“...I wasn’t cheerful back then…”

“Huh?”

Looking at the ground and still holding his forearms, he repeats himself.

“I...wasn’t cheerful...before you came back…”

“Before I…?” I trail off, confused. Does he mean when I got back from the Asian Branch?

“God, I was such an ass to everyone,” he said hoarsely. “Couldn’t be around someone without making them cry or straight up pissing them off. I couldn’t justify it either, and Bookman was so pissed at me…”

“Okay, I’m missing something here,” I say, utterly confused.

Lavi blows out a long, slow breath through his nose.

“We thought you were dead,” he says. “Tim found me and Lenalee and took us to the spot where you...where Tyki Mikk… He showed us his memories from that night. Lenalee was catatonic, and I...I had no idea what I felt. No idea what to think, what to do. I was afraid, I was disgusted...I don’t even know what it was, but after Tim showed us that, I was...not much better off than Lenalee. She had the benefit of being allowed to show how upset she was. I broke a window, made her cry, and then got torn into by Bookman for acting like an Exorcist first…”

“Lavi…”

“When I saw Tyki Mikk in Edo, I lost it. I was ready to rip him limb from limb with my bare hands if I had to, Bookman be damned. Then he said you were still alive, but without your Innocence he’d finish you off properly this time. And then you showed up to save Lenalee, left arm and all, with your Innocence all transformed and fancy. God Allen, you know how to put a dude through hell.”

I blink. Lavi’s voice is thick, and my own throat feels rather tight. I haven’t even realized that Tim might have shown them what happened that night. They...they thought I was dead the entire time I was gone…?

“Damn you, I was doing fine as the Bookman before you came along and threw me off,” Lavi said, possible laughing but not quite pulling it off. “I mean, I was already too involved, but at least I could fake it before you showed up with your stupid smile and all that hope you wear like a damn cape. You gave me hope in people again, and that completely ruined me.”

My lips twitch.

“We’re all ruined, Lavi,” I say quietly. “But at least we’re ruined together, right?”

“You’re optimistic now that it’s not about you,” Lavi notes. “If I have to put some kind of faith in my future with you guys, so do you.”

I close my eyes and smile. “Sounds like a deal.”

“We’ll see,” Lavi sighs.

I open my eyes in time to see his arm shooting out towards me, but I’m too late to knock it aside and it wraps around my neck, pulling me down into a headlock. I sputter indignantly as he violently ruffles my hair.

“We’re all broken here,” he snorts. “But at least it hasn’t affected my height yet, eh, Beansprout?”

“Damnit Lavi my name is ALLEN!”

Fine? Hell no. Broken? Absolutely. Mending? Hopefully. Shattered? Not yet.


End file.
